My Son, Race Issues, & The Mad Guys

So last Christmas season I got pretty concerned about the job I was doing as a parent. We inherited a manger scene from my in-laws (circa 1970's probably) with plastic figures representing Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the Shepherds, the Wise Men, and the rest of the group. Perfect for kids to play with! (except now that I think about it, I'm worrying about lead paint....).

Anyway, earlier in the year I had read a great book called NurtureShock which talked about a number of different parenting issues and what the latest research had to say about them. One of the chapters covered issues of race, and why white parents do not like to talk about this issue with their children. Basically, they assume that kids are "colorblind" and do not want to point skin color out to their kids. What the researchers found was that babies as young as 6 months "discriminate"and prefer people of their own skin color. Older kids would rate people with a different skin color from theirs as "not as nice." And worse, many of them would respond "No," or "I'm not sure" to the question "Do your parents like black people?" Basically, kids are born to and learn by categorizing, and race (like gender) is one of the most visible ways to categorize people. By NOT talking about this difference we are not giving our kids any guidance with which to assimilate this visual information.

So this was on my mind when Brady (then age 6) picked one of the Wise Men in our nativity set (who was clearly black) and said he was "mad." I questioned him, thinking maybe I didn't hear him clearly. Again he responded that the 3 (black) Wise Men were the "mad guys." I began to rack my brain trying to think of when/who/where these negative stereotypes could have planted themselves in my sweet little boy's head. Cue me going into a semi-panic, and consulting with my friend, Alyssa, who was in the middle of her doctoral program for Counseling Psychology. We went out for lunch and when I brought it up I could tell she thought it was fascinating, but also a little concerning. I vowed to have another discussion with Brady about this issue when I got home.

I'll be honest. We live in a predominantly white, rural-ish area. We have many Hispanic families in our town and Brady had several Hispanic kids in his kindergarten class, but only one African-American child. And our neighborhood is white, and our church was mainly white. Almost all of our friends are white. And Brady was only 6, we were still focusing our efforts on getting him to flush the toilet.  We just hadn't gotten around to any race discussions yet. And I wasn't sure what I was going to say when it was time to have that discussion anyway.

The next time I broached the subject I was even more concerned when Brady continued to insist that the Wise Men were the "Mad Guys." I was flummoxed. And then later it dawned on me (and it's probably already dawned on you, but I'm a little slow, apparently) that he was talking about "The Magi." Mad Guys? Magi? Which do you think makes more sense to a six-year-old's ears?

So I had a good laugh at myself and the situation. But I'm still conscious about the need to TALK to my kids about race issues. And it IS hard. It's almost paralyzing. What to say, what not to say. I think we're so afraid of saying the wrong thing we don't say anything. But I guess at the end of the day, I don't want my kids to think that I don't (and that they shouldn't) like black people. And I don't want to pretend obliviousness to this issue that affects our country so deeply. Honestly, I think I'd rather give the "birds and bees" talk. And, in fact, the approach we've taken to talking about sexuality is probably the approach we should take when talking about race, which is "early and often."

So what's the answer? Move to Iceland? Or to another more diverse community? (Actually, the same study showed that the more racially diverse a high school, the more students segregated themselves by race). What are well-meaning parents supposed to do? And you should hear the questions/comments that came out of my five-year-old's mouth the other day when we were talking about this issue, by looking at pictures of people on Pinterest. TOTAL CRINGE! But at least he said them at home. We talked about the cartoon Little Bill, different characters on Sesame Street, and so on. While I'm still not sure he understands that not ALL people with dark hair are African-American, we've at least begun the conversation. God help us.

What about you? What do you say to your kids about race?

Do Less. Be Present. Enjoy More.

The title of this post is my motto this Christmas season. Do Less. Be Present. Enjoy More. I like it because you can read it both forwards and backwards like this: In order to Enjoy More I need to Be Present and in order for that to happen, I need to Do Less. 

The problem with this is that I love Christmas. I love the shopping, the music, the hustle and bustle, the decorations, the family time, the traditions. But as with many things, (especially now that we have three children), I am discovering that less is truly more. But actually doing less is fraught with fear and guilt that I'll be missing out and (even worse) that I am letting others (especially my family) down. However, I notice with my kids that the big emotional lead-up to birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, vacations, etc. often results in a post-event meltdowns (and sometimes we don't even make it post-event) complete with tears, tantrums, and irritability. And somehow I don't think any of us really outgrow that tendency.

So in order to Be Present and Enjoy More I am eliminating a few things from my schedule and to-do list. 

• Making chocolate turtles with my family. I LOVE these turtles, and I love to give them as gifts to teachers, neighbors, etc. I love the day spent with my relatives. However, this entails a trip to Kokomo (therefore a whole Saturday) not to mention an extra tank of gas plus the expense of actually making the turtles. In a month where we are often gone every weekend, this is one thing I felt like I could give up this year. 
• In lieu of traditional teacher's gifts (i.e. the turtles mentioned above) I've chosen to send a hand-written note telling our children's teachers how much we appreciate them, as well as to donate a small sum of money to Samaritan's Purse towards the cost of "teaching a child to read and write." Will they be disappointed when they see their classmates bringing their teachers gaily wrapped mugs, candles, cookies, and the like, while all they have is an envelope? Possibly.
• I cut way back on decorations. The more stuff you put up the more stuff you have to take down, right? Plus I let the kids and Brent decorate the tree this year. Every year I totally stress out about decorating the tree just right and get incredibly, unreasonably irritated with the boys for ripping stuff out of boxes. So, this year I gave up control and let them do it. While I was not home. I went out for coffee with my girlfriends and I came home to a lovely, decorated tree, of which the the said decorating did not involve me frothing at the mouth. 
• No Black Friday shopping and very limited brick and mortar shopping at all. This year, I did almost all my shopping online. I missed my Black Friday tradition with my family, but I gave my Amazon Prime membership a workout! I have a few more things to pick up, but for the most part, my shopping is complete. 
• I am going to send out Christmas cards (mainly because we had some nice family pictures taken this year) but I'm still debating on sending my usual Christmas letter. A lot of people really enjoy the letter, which is great affirmation for a SAHM who likes to write, but I don't really feel like it this year. Plus, now I have a blog and and I'm on Facebook. People can keep up with our family and read the funny stuff I have to say without the annual missive. 
• For the "Be Present" part of this equation I am trying to be more engaged with my kids by 1) Giving myself "screen time" to set boundaries around ever-present technology, and 2) Picking a few fun things to do with them. Like reading The Best Christmas Pageant Ever with the boys (just ordered it today!) and setting up a date night with each of them where I get to be with them one-on-one. Watching cartoons/movies with them instead of just turning on the TV for them and walking away to do something else. 
• Baking Christmas cookies with the kids is honestly not that much fun for me. And I'm guessing that my overall irritation with the activity probably kills any enjoyment my kids get out of it. While I kind of cringe as I write that and over how it might be perceived (BAD MOMMY!) I have come to realize that I don't enjoy it because it creates more messes that I have to clean up and then I just have a bunch of cookies sitting around that I'm going to be eating to deal with all the holiday stress. So I'm going to try to 1) relax more and 2) not do things b/c I feel like I'm supposed to or it's something I saw in a magazine. We can have some store-bought Chips Ahoy and hot cocoa instead.
• Outlawing Christmas Pinterest Ideas. Too many ideas + Too little time (x) High Expecations = Too Much Stress + Me Feeling Like a Failure.
• For any kind of vacation time, my husband and I have decided that we need to have one day at home to unwind before going back to work/school. The kids need it and so do we, especially when there is travel involved. We are a family of introverts; we enjoy being with people, but we need time at home to recharge. Does that mean we have to limit time with our family, many of whom we don't see that often? Possibly.  
• As I read this list I am critical of myself because most of these items are things that have to do with me and my enjoyment of the season. (Bad Mommy! What about your children! What about the rest of your family!) But I am going to silence that inner critic and remind myself that I am modeling good, healthy, boundary-setting and self-care. In other words, "if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy." And I want them to be happy. And I want to be happy. So I will Do Less, Be Present, and Enjoy More.

What about you? How do you keep Christmas from overwhelming you?