My Son, Race Issues, & The Mad Guys

So last Christmas season I got pretty concerned about the job I was doing as a parent. We inherited a manger scene from my in-laws (circa 1970's probably) with plastic figures representing Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the Shepherds, the Wise Men, and the rest of the group. Perfect for kids to play with! (except now that I think about it, I'm worrying about lead paint....).

Anyway, earlier in the year I had read a great book called NurtureShock which talked about a number of different parenting issues and what the latest research had to say about them. One of the chapters covered issues of race, and why white parents do not like to talk about this issue with their children. Basically, they assume that kids are "colorblind" and do not want to point skin color out to their kids. What the researchers found was that babies as young as 6 months "discriminate"and prefer people of their own skin color. Older kids would rate people with a different skin color from theirs as "not as nice." And worse, many of them would respond "No," or "I'm not sure" to the question "Do your parents like black people?" Basically, kids are born to and learn by categorizing, and race (like gender) is one of the most visible ways to categorize people. By NOT talking about this difference we are not giving our kids any guidance with which to assimilate this visual information.

So this was on my mind when Brady (then age 6) picked one of the Wise Men in our nativity set (who was clearly black) and said he was "mad." I questioned him, thinking maybe I didn't hear him clearly. Again he responded that the 3 (black) Wise Men were the "mad guys." I began to rack my brain trying to think of when/who/where these negative stereotypes could have planted themselves in my sweet little boy's head. Cue me going into a semi-panic, and consulting with my friend, Alyssa, who was in the middle of her doctoral program for Counseling Psychology. We went out for lunch and when I brought it up I could tell she thought it was fascinating, but also a little concerning. I vowed to have another discussion with Brady about this issue when I got home.

I'll be honest. We live in a predominantly white, rural-ish area. We have many Hispanic families in our town and Brady had several Hispanic kids in his kindergarten class, but only one African-American child. And our neighborhood is white, and our church was mainly white. Almost all of our friends are white. And Brady was only 6, we were still focusing our efforts on getting him to flush the toilet.  We just hadn't gotten around to any race discussions yet. And I wasn't sure what I was going to say when it was time to have that discussion anyway.

The next time I broached the subject I was even more concerned when Brady continued to insist that the Wise Men were the "Mad Guys." I was flummoxed. And then later it dawned on me (and it's probably already dawned on you, but I'm a little slow, apparently) that he was talking about "The Magi." Mad Guys? Magi? Which do you think makes more sense to a six-year-old's ears?

So I had a good laugh at myself and the situation. But I'm still conscious about the need to TALK to my kids about race issues. And it IS hard. It's almost paralyzing. What to say, what not to say. I think we're so afraid of saying the wrong thing we don't say anything. But I guess at the end of the day, I don't want my kids to think that I don't (and that they shouldn't) like black people. And I don't want to pretend obliviousness to this issue that affects our country so deeply. Honestly, I think I'd rather give the "birds and bees" talk. And, in fact, the approach we've taken to talking about sexuality is probably the approach we should take when talking about race, which is "early and often."

So what's the answer? Move to Iceland? Or to another more diverse community? (Actually, the same study showed that the more racially diverse a high school, the more students segregated themselves by race). What are well-meaning parents supposed to do? And you should hear the questions/comments that came out of my five-year-old's mouth the other day when we were talking about this issue, by looking at pictures of people on Pinterest. TOTAL CRINGE! But at least he said them at home. We talked about the cartoon Little Bill, different characters on Sesame Street, and so on. While I'm still not sure he understands that not ALL people with dark hair are African-American, we've at least begun the conversation. God help us.

What about you? What do you say to your kids about race?

Do Less. Be Present. Enjoy More.

The title of this post is my motto this Christmas season. Do Less. Be Present. Enjoy More. I like it because you can read it both forwards and backwards like this: In order to Enjoy More I need to Be Present and in order for that to happen, I need to Do Less. 

The problem with this is that I love Christmas. I love the shopping, the music, the hustle and bustle, the decorations, the family time, the traditions. But as with many things, (especially now that we have three children), I am discovering that less is truly more. But actually doing less is fraught with fear and guilt that I'll be missing out and (even worse) that I am letting others (especially my family) down. However, I notice with my kids that the big emotional lead-up to birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, vacations, etc. often results in a post-event meltdowns (and sometimes we don't even make it post-event) complete with tears, tantrums, and irritability. And somehow I don't think any of us really outgrow that tendency.

So in order to Be Present and Enjoy More I am eliminating a few things from my schedule and to-do list. 

• Making chocolate turtles with my family. I LOVE these turtles, and I love to give them as gifts to teachers, neighbors, etc. I love the day spent with my relatives. However, this entails a trip to Kokomo (therefore a whole Saturday) not to mention an extra tank of gas plus the expense of actually making the turtles. In a month where we are often gone every weekend, this is one thing I felt like I could give up this year. 
• In lieu of traditional teacher's gifts (i.e. the turtles mentioned above) I've chosen to send a hand-written note telling our children's teachers how much we appreciate them, as well as to donate a small sum of money to Samaritan's Purse towards the cost of "teaching a child to read and write." Will they be disappointed when they see their classmates bringing their teachers gaily wrapped mugs, candles, cookies, and the like, while all they have is an envelope? Possibly.
• I cut way back on decorations. The more stuff you put up the more stuff you have to take down, right? Plus I let the kids and Brent decorate the tree this year. Every year I totally stress out about decorating the tree just right and get incredibly, unreasonably irritated with the boys for ripping stuff out of boxes. So, this year I gave up control and let them do it. While I was not home. I went out for coffee with my girlfriends and I came home to a lovely, decorated tree, of which the the said decorating did not involve me frothing at the mouth. 
• No Black Friday shopping and very limited brick and mortar shopping at all. This year, I did almost all my shopping online. I missed my Black Friday tradition with my family, but I gave my Amazon Prime membership a workout! I have a few more things to pick up, but for the most part, my shopping is complete. 
• I am going to send out Christmas cards (mainly because we had some nice family pictures taken this year) but I'm still debating on sending my usual Christmas letter. A lot of people really enjoy the letter, which is great affirmation for a SAHM who likes to write, but I don't really feel like it this year. Plus, now I have a blog and and I'm on Facebook. People can keep up with our family and read the funny stuff I have to say without the annual missive. 
• For the "Be Present" part of this equation I am trying to be more engaged with my kids by 1) Giving myself "screen time" to set boundaries around ever-present technology, and 2) Picking a few fun things to do with them. Like reading The Best Christmas Pageant Ever with the boys (just ordered it today!) and setting up a date night with each of them where I get to be with them one-on-one. Watching cartoons/movies with them instead of just turning on the TV for them and walking away to do something else. 
• Baking Christmas cookies with the kids is honestly not that much fun for me. And I'm guessing that my overall irritation with the activity probably kills any enjoyment my kids get out of it. While I kind of cringe as I write that and over how it might be perceived (BAD MOMMY!) I have come to realize that I don't enjoy it because it creates more messes that I have to clean up and then I just have a bunch of cookies sitting around that I'm going to be eating to deal with all the holiday stress. So I'm going to try to 1) relax more and 2) not do things b/c I feel like I'm supposed to or it's something I saw in a magazine. We can have some store-bought Chips Ahoy and hot cocoa instead.
• Outlawing Christmas Pinterest Ideas. Too many ideas + Too little time (x) High Expecations = Too Much Stress + Me Feeling Like a Failure.
• For any kind of vacation time, my husband and I have decided that we need to have one day at home to unwind before going back to work/school. The kids need it and so do we, especially when there is travel involved. We are a family of introverts; we enjoy being with people, but we need time at home to recharge. Does that mean we have to limit time with our family, many of whom we don't see that often? Possibly.  
• As I read this list I am critical of myself because most of these items are things that have to do with me and my enjoyment of the season. (Bad Mommy! What about your children! What about the rest of your family!) But I am going to silence that inner critic and remind myself that I am modeling good, healthy, boundary-setting and self-care. In other words, "if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy." And I want them to be happy. And I want to be happy. So I will Do Less, Be Present, and Enjoy More.

What about you? How do you keep Christmas from overwhelming you?

Sometimes I Surprise Myself

If you knew me, and chances are if you're reading this you do, then you'd know I'm sort of a mis-placer. Meaning, I tend to misplace and forget things. Why, just this morning, I pulled into the Target parking lot on a quick mission for Christmas lights, reached down to get my purse and came up with nothing but air. It was at home. On the floor. Where I dropped it to hunt for my cell phone which I had also misplaced.

For many, many months there was a sign on the door leading to the garage that read, "Carmen, do you have your wallet?" This after, not one but TWO instances in a relatively short period of time where I got to the cash register at Meijer with a VERY FULL shopping cart of groceries LATE AT NIGHT and had no wallet. Vexing, very vexing.

I also got "stuck" in the Hobby Lobby parking lot with all 3 kids when Audrey was just a tiny baby. I thought my keys were locked in my car. Wrong. After I called the locksmith who ($50 later) opened it for me, I discovered that my keys were NOT in the car. After enlisting the help of mall security for about a half hour retracing my steps the locksmith suggested I check my bags one more time. I dumped them out right there in the parking lot and what do you know, there they were. Vexing, very vexing.

So, at this point, you might be asking yourself, what can she keep track of? Thankfully, I haven't lost my kids...yet. I also have managed to keep track of my prescription sunglasses for about 4 years. Score! And my wedding ring, which frankly surprises me more than anything else. I am not one of those people who never take off their rings. I have to take mine off to sleep, shower, apply makeup, wash dishes, bathe kids, etc. I tend to set it down on a sink, on my dresser, by the computer. Sometimes I forget about it and when I go to look for it again, it's not where I thought it would be. Thankfully, my husband has learned this about me and usually helps by shoving it back against the counter so it won't get lost. A couple of times he's put it somewhere else, in hopes to "teach me a lesson." He waits to see how long I'll go till I miss it or panic so he can pull it out of its hiding spot and lecture me. So now I'm onto him and if it ever goes missing I keep my mouth shut. So far it's always turned up.

Let's see what else can I keep track of? Money? No. (Hand me cash and it will usually go into my jeans pocket, to be washed and dried with the rest of my laundry.) The remote? Don't be silly. Appointments? Occasionally. (I wanted a smart phone so badly to help me with this, but I'm always in such a hurry I usually forget to enter appointments until much later.) Birthdays? Nope. (Unless I carried you for 9 months and birthed you, plan on me forgetting your birthday.) My own age? Sadly, no. (At some point past age 30 I started needing a minute to think before I could tell you how old I was.) This list is beginning to depress me so I'll just recap. Here are the things I can keep track of: kids (so far so good), sunglasses, my wedding ring, and appointments (but only occasionally). I think instead of beating myself up for forgetting/misplacing things I'm just going to start celebrating the things I do keep track of. Because sometimes I surprise myself, and I've always liked surprises.

And then there's this guy who said

“Forgetfulness is a form of freedom.” 

― Kahlil Gibran

He gets me. 

Hunting

I grew up in a household of men. Rural, manly, farming, sports-playing, car-fixing, burping, farting, belching, hunting, men. My dad had a couple of shotguns (used for hunting) and at a certain age, my brothers were taught to shoot as well. They liked to hunt quail, shoot clay pigeons, and maybe go deer-hunting.

From my earliest memory, I grew up loving animals. Especially cats and dogs, but I also had an affinity for dolphins, which I collected. I would get so ANGRY when my brother Michael would go out to my grandpa's woods and shoot at rabbits and squirrels. I could never understand why he wanted to kill animals for fun.

I even went through a decade from age 15 to 25 where I didn't eat red meat (which my family raised). I didn't like it, particularly, and that's what I told people when they asked why, although the idea of eating a carcass still causes a certain amount of queasiness. I'll never forget when I found out my dad had killed some puppies (out of compassion) after my Golden Retriever, Lucy, had a very large litter.  He did it because he didn't think she'd be able to feed them all. I still can't picture my gentle father killing puppies (and I try not to), but that's life on the farm. Hunting for survival is one thing, but hunting as a sport is something I just don't get. Yes, deer are a problem if they are overgrown. Yes, I still think it makes it only a modicum better if you actually eat what you kill. I've heard those arguments about a zillion times.

But mainly what bothers me is that this is something people do for fun, for entertainment. Taking the life of another living creature for the fun of it is something I don't get and never want to get. I've quizzed a number of people about this through the years, including my former pastor, a great guy who really loves to go hunting and who even has lots of "trophies" hanging in his house. He's a very gentle, mild-mannered person as well, so I was interested in hearing his point of view. He said for him, it was something he enjoyed doing with his brother, as well as the "excitement" or thrill of the chase.

I was in a auto repair shop in Shipshewana today, picking up a light bulb for my husband's car, holding Audrey while we waited to pay. She was the first to notice 2 deer trophies hanging on the wall. She wanted to go and pet them, which kind of made me tear up. I wonder what she thought about them, what she'll think when she learns someone killed them, chopped their heads off, and hung them on a wall as a symbol for their big penis for decoration. I wonder if she will cringe because she's a tender-heart like her mother. I kind of hope so. I kind of think my boys will be, too. It turns out their dad is a bigger tender-heart than me when it comes to animals.

Yes, I eat red meat, chicken, sea food, and pork. And yes, most of the time I try not to think about how it came to be on my plate. I agree that I am not always philosophically consistent (I'm to work on it). However, I continue to puzzle over recreational hunting, and why so many accept it without much thought. I get male bonding, and I get the "thrill of the chase" but can't those things be  found elsewhere, in non-blood sport activities? I don't know. My husband has Chronic Lyme Disease, I know deer can carry ticks which can devastate people's lives. I know that human life comes before animal life. And yet, I still worry that the joy that people seem to find through hunting makes us...well, a little less human.

And just so you know, if my heart breaks over Bambi, it breaks and breaks again and again for the suffering of people all over this Earth. I do believe that God gave us dominion over the animals, but I think this longing I have must be a longing I have for Heaven, where the Lion will lay down with the Lamb. I'm not a member of PETA, I love my family, I love and respect my former pastor. All of them are good men. But these are the things I think about when I wait in line at the auto repair shop and contemplate the deer heads hanging on the wall.






Not all hunters are men!

34 Things

My friend Jolene gave me the cool idea that on your birthday you should write a list of "truths," lessons learned, or good advice equaling the number of years you are. Here goes!

1. Be thankful for your health. Cliche, but true. 
2. Don't take yourself too seriously. If you do it will drive the people around you nuts. 
3. Try to learn to cook intuitively (e.g. without measuring cups and spoons, using what you have). It will save you time and increase your confidence in the kitchen.
4. Spend time one-on-one with your kids. They are different (and usually a lot sweeter) when you give them individual attention. 
5. If you have to leave your church, try to do it as gracefully as possible. Temper honesty with love and respect. 
6. Don't fear change. Fear not changing.
7. Take lots of pictures, especially of your third child. They will resent you later in life if you don't. 
8. Wear perfume. Adopt a signature scent.
9. Unless you are a man. No cologne. Just a nice-smelling aftershave or deodorant will do. Disregard all Axe commercials. 
10. Read. Read. Read. 
11. Be a server in a restaurant. It will teach you everything you need to know about life.
12. Plan to care for your parents later in life. (Do unto others...)
13. When you are grieving or going through a hard time, try not to expect too much of the people around you. No one can know what mood you are in at every given moment. 
14. When you see others grieving or going through a hard time, be a person who takes a step forward rather than a person who takes a step back.  
15. Develop an impressive vocabulary. Throw out big words every now and then, just for the heck of it.
16. Dance with your family in the kitchen while you clean up from dinner. 
17. When you choose a career path, try to pick something that will come in handy if society ever has to rebuild itself after an event such as a mysterious contagion or zombie apocalypse. 
18. Tell your children daily how proud you are to be their mom (or dad).
19. Never date someone who would limit your selection of footwear.
20. When someone tries really, really hard to convince you of something, there's a good chance they are needing reassurance for their own beliefs. 
21. Don't write people off because they have different religious or political views than you. You never know what you can learn from someone. 
22. Stop comparing yourself to other people.
23. Stop comparing your marriage to other marriages.
24. Give people the benefit of the doubt. 
25. Get over the way your voice sounds in recordings or on the answering machine. Chances are, you have made it through life without anyone thinking you sound like an idiot (unless, of course, what you are saying is idiotic).
26. Take bubble baths.
27. Don't worry about your kids' grades as much as you worry about them developing a good work ethic. 
28. Embrace technology. Roll with the times, people. 
29. Buy quality shoes and quality mattresses. 
30. It's normal to get out of bed in the middle of the night and make sure your kids are still breathing. 
31. When you're on a family vacation, you should sit around and decide what each of your names would be in an alternate universe. The catch? You can't choose your own name (right, Del?).
32. It's true that babies don't come with instruction books, but as a parent there are plenty of resources available to you. Don't be a person who knows more about operating your iphone than the development of your children. 
33. The stupider you feel the better it looks (advice for getting over your inhibitions).
34. Use semicolons; elegant punctuation never goes out of style. 

Guns, Porn & Sex Offenders

Dear Parents of my Childrens' Friends,
I am learning to be assertive about certain things when it comes to my kids' safety, even at risk of offending you. The title of this post should give you some indication of what I'm concerned about. It's hard to come out and ask you about these things, and yet I am compelled to, because, as much as I might like you, I like my kids a whole lot more. And I would venture to say you feel the same about me.

Now that we have that settled, let's get down to business. Do you have guns in your house? And, if so, are they kept unloaded and locked away? OUT OF SIGHT? What about porn? No, I'm not trying to pry into your personal lives (OK, maybe I am) but you need to be aware that I'm not OK with my kid playing at a house with stacks of back issues of Playboy in the basement (true story from my husband's childhood growing up in a "nice" neighborhood). Do you have parental controls on your cable? On your computer? On their ipads? I'd appreciate knowing what TV shows/channels my kids might be watching as well. Think I don't need to worry about this stuff yet? Think again.

And who, exactly, is coming in and out of your house? Not that I don't want to assume the best about people, but, hey, I watch the news. Before I say "yes" to a birthday party or a sleepover, I want to know a few things that would be helpful if you put on the invitation. Who will be there? Whose house is this? Are parents welcome to stay? What exactly will you be doing? Will the kids be supervised at all times? You might have a laissez faire attitude toward parenting, but many of us do not. Please wait until I'm gone to roll your eyes.

Even though it's not the highest concern of mine right now, I'm wondering about your alcohol situation. Do you have any in the house? Where is it kept? How do you monitor its use (and by whom?). In case there was any doubt at this point, I'm not one of those parents who think it's safer to let their kids drink alcohol as long as they're at my house. And I'm going to be less than willing to let our kids hang out in the future if you are. Just sayin'. Will you be drinking in front of my child? I'd prefer that you not, to be frank. What about your prescription drugs? And, obviously, drugs of the non-prescription variety?

These are all things I'm learning to be comfortable asking. Up to this point, I haven't been because my children have been young enough that they haven't been going a whole lot of places without me. But now they are getting older, these issues are coming up, and I'm forced to (gulp) parent. I'm delighted to share ALL my answers to these questions with you. In fact, I'm going to volunteer this information and hope you will take the not-so-subtle-hint that I want to know what your answers are too. I've been inspired by moms with older kids who aren't afraid to ask these types of questions. Being a mom isn't a popularity contest, and as much as I want my kids to have a vast array of friends, their safety and well-being HAS to be my first priority. No, I can't protect them from any and all negative influences, situations, etc. But I have to try, cause that's my job.

The Disney Princess Thing

OK fellow moms. I know I am probably treading on sacred territory here, but it's worth a thoughtful discussion. Walking through the toy aisles at Target today with my 2-year-old daughter, she immediately gravitated to several different types of toys. 1) Babies- anything to do with babies 2) Horses and 3) The Disney Princess section which, as we all know, occupies quite a bit of square footage in most stores.

With Christmas looming, I am all for the baby dolls, the play kitchen, the horses, but I am definitely uncomfortable pushing, encouraging or even allowing the Disney Princesses at such a young age. Why? It's not the dresses, the tiaras, or anything based on beauty or body-image concerns. I, the hair bow maker, clearly appreciate fashion, accessories, and dressing up at all ages, mainly as a form of creativity and self-expression.

No. My problem with the Disney Princesses is the focus on the Prince. All of the fashion, beauty, and general princess-ing around have to do with "getting the man." (In my opinion, Cinderella and The Little Mermaid are the worst offenders.) I will agree that in recent years Disney has made an effort to have strong, independent types as the female "lead," and yet, there is always a man lurking. Now, I haven't seen Brave yet, but from the previews and what I've read this might be the one movie that makes it to my strict approved-for-Audrey list. I heartily appreciate the idea of a "romance-free" movie for young girls. But what do you do with the rest of the bunch? They are making room on the shelf for Merida, but Snow White and the rest of the gang aren't going anywhere. I, myself, LOVED all the Disney movies- but I probably didn't begin watching them until at least midway through elementary school. My little girl is only 2, but I see the lure of these beautiful dolls and their collective stories.

Here is what one article said of romance-free Brave and the "Princess" franchise

Still, the princesses share plenty of archetypal DNA, which includes a propensity for falling in love. The franchise stresses the romantic elements throughout its promotional material; its promotional material states that a young fan of the line “dreams of a place where clothes are spun of silk and gold, where balls are held in her honor and where princes fall in love at first sight.”
It’s a rich fantasy, and a lucrative one, as well. The Disney Princesses are emblazoned on clothing, bedding, dolls, straight-to-DVD films, MP3 players, theme park attractions and a laundry list of other brandable consumer products, over 25,000 in all. The line, as of the middle of last year, had brought in over $4 billion in sales.
The Princess characters have stood the test of time, aided by liberal sprinklings of Disney’s proprietary blend of nostalgia, fantasy wish-fulfillment and marketing know-how.
And, it should be said, romance and strong female characters are certainly not mutually exclusive; many young girls love Princesses and grow up to be strong, independent adults, too. But eliminating the Prince Charming element is still read as a statement, consciously or not, about the kind of role models and aspirational figures that can be made available to young girls from the start.
"I don't think that it ruins your life or anything, a bunch of really classically pretty little girls who has the one awesome thing that happens in their lives be that they get saved by a dude and end up kissing him and marrying him," Dodai Stewart, an editor for Jezebel, tells THR, "But when you see it over and over, it becomes a very narrow vision of what a heroine is. And so, I do think that it's really cool to have this kind of like -- I don't even want to call it an alternative, I just think it's exciting to have a different heroine."

And here's where my personal experience kicks in. I happen to have a rather dashing 7-year-old who in PRE-SCHOOL had girls "liking" him and wanting to "marry" him. In Kindergarten it became much, much worse. In the time honored tradition of school yards everywhere, he had girls chasing him and his buddies all over the playground. I know that's normal and I remember chasing boys at that age too. However, in the time I spent in his classroom, I noticed that there were several girls who had a (what shall I call it?) a knowingness and maturity to them that, frankly, made me uncomfortable. And it made Brady uncomfortable too. While he liked and was flattered by the attention in many respects, we actually had to have a talk with the teacher about one little girl in particular who came on so strongly that it gave Brady considerable anxiety. What I'd like to teach my daughter is that boys are our friends and playmates, but boyfriends, romance and relationships are for much, much, much later. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't want my daughter being concerned with "finding a Prince" at the ripe old age of 5. Let's play dress-up, let's get the tiaras, let's get dolled up, but let's not go any deeper than that.

My belief is that if you think very young children are missing the message of the "romance" present in the Disney movies (or anywhere else) then you are mistaken. I know that girls mature faster than boys, and I'm not saying I'd never allow my daughter to get into the Princess thing. I'd just like to delay it by like 3-5 years. And yet, outside of Homeschooling or going "off the grid," how do you do that when it's everywhere?

I've felt the same way about many of the cartoons/characters my boys have shown interest in. Spiderman? I remember my older brother being totally into Spiderman when he was in the 5th grade, but now Spiderman is marketed towards boys as young as 2 and 3. I'm sorry, but the storyline of Spiderman isn't appropriate for toddlers. The line we've drawn on some things is that they can have the "toys" but we don't watch the cartoon. That works for awhile, but it does not halt the incessant pull of the media on my kids' impressionable young minds. So, I'm asking for thoughts. Am I over-reacting? Am I imagining this? How do other moms handle the Princess issue?

Craft Shows & Etsy: A lesson in humility

Last November I did a craft show/bazaar at my church. It was my first one, and it didn't go particularly well. It wasn't that I didn't slave away, have nice things, or have a pretty display. Seriously, it was painful. I was sitting there with my mom and hours passed before I had even made enough to cover the $30 booth fee.   Eventually I made about $100, I think.

I had been told by friends who do a lot of craft shows that you can never tell how one is going to go; sometimes you make a lot, sometimes you make a little. I was also told by more than one person to do several shows to get a more balanced perspective of how well you can do. However, with 3 small children, getting ready for the show that I did do took a lot of time, energy, and money away from my family. So I didn't do anymore. Plus I felt demoralized and discouraged. I needed to lick my wounds for awhile.

Then I saw this quote while moping on Pinterest. "When I get sad, I stop being sad, and start being awesome instead." (When I looked this up just now, it turns out it's a quote from Barney on How I Met Your Mother.) For some reason this struck a chord in me, and I kept working at my bows and figuring out different avenues for selling them. That's when I also launched PookieTown Designs on Etsy. My goal was to have a nice selection of items ready for Cyber Monday, or the Monday after Thanksgiving.

I wish I could say this quote inspired me to become a top seller on Etsy and now I'm in stores all around the country. But I can't. For the last year, I've been plodding away with the Etsy shop, which hasn't set the world on fire, but I sell a few things every now and then. It definitely goes in spurts. Last Spring I took a booth at a craft mall; again, selling enough to pay the rent but not a whole lot more. What I do sell makes me feel better about what I spend on my hobby and I guess, in my mind, it sort of balances out financially (although my husband would probably beg to differ). However, having this little project has made the SAHM thing a little more appealing. It's given me something to sink my creativity into and I've really enjoyed the marketing side of things. Plus it's been my first foray into any kind of employment (I'm not sure this qualifies as employment, but couldn't think of a better word) that's not social-worky. I've discovered I kind of like business. And so, this experience, with its ups and downs, has not been a complete loss.

Surgery and the Toddler Turncoat

Last Wednesday, I had my gall bladder removed. I'm still not sure I can explain exactly why it needed to come out. All I know is I had intermittent stomach pain and one gall bladder attack. Apparently there's not much medical science says you can do to "fix it" without removing the gall bladder. I had an ultrasound which revealed "small stones" and "sludge," which sounds incredibly disgusting because it is. The surgery went OK. After three c-sections this seemed like a piece of cake. It was Laparoscopic, which meant that it was out patient and I could go home the same day.

The only problem was that even if it's Laparoscopic, it's still surgery, and there's still recovery time involved. For someone with three kids age 7 and under (one of whom just turned 2) my life requires lots of alertness and lifting. And since I'm a Real Housewife of Elkhart County rather than Orange County I don't have a household staff waiting at my beck and call to fulfill my every whim and desire, I had to call for reinforcements. So my wonderful mother and mother-in-law each came and stayed a day or two to help me out with the meals and kids. Therefore,the kids had a revolving door of Grandmas for about a week who fed them, bathed them, changed diapers, read books, and played with them so I could sleep, rest, and recover. Great right? Yes, it was.

However, I discovered we have a turncoat in the family. I was surprised at how easily my sweet little 2-year-old's affections turned away from me. Due to my surgery and then the effects of the general anaesthetic, I spent most of Wednesday either at the hospital or asleep in my bedroom...without interacting with Audrey or the boys much at all. Which apparently, when you're 2, is the unpardonable sin. For the next 5 days she proceeded to ignore or barely tolerate me- far preferring whichever Grandma was staying with us at the time. How's that for loyalty? Now the Grandmas are gone and the peace talks have apparently begun. This a.m. she approached me with her empty sippy cup and a grin (like I was supposed to forget her screams of horror when I tried to kiss her goodnight a few days ago). I was tempted to be all like, "Oh, so you want me to get you your milk, do ya?" But who was I kidding, I was a sucker for the big eyes and soft cheeks. So I extended the olive branch sippy cup of peace. And now she wants me to come watch Curious George with her. I guess we're copacetic.

As for my recovery (thanks for asking), from last Wednesday on, I've sort of felt like the evolutionary "Cro-Magnon Man." Every day I could stand a little straighter. And today they gave me my spear back...

SAHM, Housewife, or Homemaker?

For those who don't know, SAHM stands for stay-at-home-mom. I guess this is the newer generation's term for "housewife" or "homemaker." I tend to refer to myself as a SAHM because somehow I think it better depicts what I am actually doing every day. For many women who do not work outside the home, it's a little off-putting when you have to list your occupation on forms. Not to say I don't think what I do is incredibly valuable, necessary or important. I do, and I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think so. However, I do think some people's personalities are more suited to this lifestyle than others. 

I quit my job as a victim-offender mediator over 6 years ago when my first baby was 9 months old. I have always known that someday I will go back to work, although I am not sure what type of work that will be. That's a blog post for another day (or days). Among those I have lived with, including my husband, former roommates, and mother, they would probably tell you that I am not a tidy person. I wouldn't, however,  label myself a "slob," (although I may be only a few steps down from that). I have a hard enough time picking up after myself, so managing a household with one other adult and 3 children age 7 and under is often more than I can handle or want to handle. I love my children passionately and enjoy them immensely, but I have always felt more comfortable relating to adults. 

Therefore, I wouldn't call myself a "homemaker" which is a term with far too much of a domestic connotation for me to be comfortable with.  It seems to me homemakers should have a garden, bake their own bread, can their own food, hem their kids' clothes, run Vacation Bible School every year, enjoy cleaning, etc. I grew up with homemakers. Church ladies are, by and large, homemakers. I have aspired to be a homemaker with limited success. 

No doubt influenced by my (excremental) reality TV viewing tastes, the term "housewife," on the other hand, now has a whole other connotation for me. A housewife is a "lady who lunches," whose work is raising money for charities, who owns cocktail dresses (and has occasions to wear them). She is not involved with the grunt work of running a home; she has a cleaning service and a decorator. I don't fit into either of these groups. Frankly, I don't even think I know anyone who fits the "housewife" category I just described. I'm simply describing the "Housewife" phenomenon on Bravo which has fascinated a nation. 

I once read a book about this subject and the author suggested the term  "alma de casa" which translates to spirit of the home. Isn't that lovely? That is, if it's a nice spirit. But sometimes the spirit of this home feels like the grim reaper, albeit holding a spatula instead of a scythe. I'm not trying to start any "mommy wars" with this post. One thing I've noticed is how judgmental and sensitive some women can be on this topic. I don't get that. I count myself fortunate to have the ability to stay home with my kids, but I think all choices are valid and valuable. I am just commenting on where I am in life and my own experience. What about the rest of you? What do you say when people ask you what you do? How do you fill in the "occupation" line?

Me and Facebook (or Why I Eventually Gave In)

Until a couple of months ago, I might have been the last person (besides my husband) under age 40 who was not on Facebook. Technically, I had "business" Facebook page for PookieTown Designs, but I didn't do much with it. Why the delay? Here are my reasons.

1. Originally, I had a problem with the whole Facebook lexicon of "friending," "unfriending," and "liking" and "disliking." It seemed so high school. A place and an attitude I didn't care to revisit.
2. As time went on, I became a little sore about the fact that my friends, people I'd grown up with, people I went to college with (but didn't see anymore because I moved a few hours North) stopped calling me and even slowly stopped responding to emails. What did I hear about this? "You should get on Facebook." What did I infer? "I don't care about you enough to spend any time maintaining this relationship." {It's not like I sat around all day dwelling on this. After all, I (and most of my friends) were busy growing careers and/or families; but when the mention of certain people came up, a little ache in my heart would throb, like an old wound that never really healed.} 
3. Being a SAHM I always sort of feel intimidated by other women who work outside the home. I have the bad habit of assuming that their lives are busier and more important, and therefore if I was on Facebook posting about my life everyone would see how boring/unimportant/uninteresting I really am. 
4. I felt like Facebook just fostered narcissism & superficial relationships. If I have a friend, I want to be a friend. I pride myself on being loyal to my friends, and this absence of communication felt like a betrayal.  I  accept and know to be true that part of becoming an adult is learning to adjust to the seasons of life. It's difficult to maintain relationships with people who are no longer in your day-to-day life, but...
5. I am stubborn.

Then I was informed that a friend's daughter had cancer. This wasn't just any friend. This was my best friend from college. The person I lived with, laughed with, fought with, and shared clothes with for 4 years. And probably the person I most missed in terms of "long lost friends." Our drift, like most probably do, happened gradually. Fading from phone calls and a few visits, showers for that first baby, to infrequent text messages, and emails, ultimately to annual Christmas cards and birth announcements for the subsequent babies (if that). The conversations we did have felt so stilted and awkward (at least to me) I almost felt worse after having them. I knew my friend was busy. She had a little boy with special needs, a daughter, a job, a husband and a life. I got it, I really did...but it still stung. 

And then her little girl's cancer came back and the unfairness of it all took my breath away. As soon as the news broke that a tumor which had been removed 6 months previously was back and had progressed to stage 4, I got online and found their family picture on a mutual friend's website. It dawned on me that I hadn't even seen a picture of my friend, her family, or her children, in years. A support page was quickly created on Facebook for their family. I thought about it for about 5 seconds and decided if there was ever a time to get on Facebook now was that time. All of my reasons for not being on Facebook were about me, and this was most assuredly NOT. 

In the few months I've been on Facebook, I've "reconnected" with many of those people I had completely lost contact with. It's been lovely to see their faces, get updates, see pictures of their children, etc. So is Facebook the time-sucking vortex of narcissism that I once believed it to be? The answer, which most of you probably already know, is "it can be." 

I have also since had the insight that maybe my friends had felt rejected by me for not joining a forum in which they could easily stay in touch. Perhaps, in my refusal to join Facebook, I was demanding that any relationship I have with people be on my terms. That last one didn't sit well with me and the image I had of myself. I feel as though now I have created a bridge for people to be a part of my life, if they so choose. Additionally, I have been moved by and seen the tremendous power of social media for uniting people in a common cause, e.g. supporting a 4-year-old girl fighting for her life.  I've taken a lot of well-deserved guff from people who know how I felt about Facebook. But I'm OK with it. I'm taking care of my side of the street, as Dr. Phil would say, and that's all I can do. 

 

For the Love of Ribbon

There's something so cheerful and well, hopeful, about ribbon, isn't there? That's why we use ribbons to raise awareness for different causes. (Are you ready for the onslaught of pink next month??) This practice of using ribbon as a symbolic token dates back to the 19th century when women would wear a yellow ribbon around their necks to signify their devotion to their sweethearts serving in the Calvary (thank you Wikipedia!).

But there's something about a little girl wearing a bow in her hair that is so charming and optimistic- to me it represents the promise of beauty and grace that all little girls carry inside them. It says to the world, "This little girl is special."

I love shopping for ribbon. I love all the different colors, textures, prints, and solids. I love grosgrain, satin, organza, velvet and glitter ribbon. But it took me awhile to learn that not all ribbon is created equal and not every ribbon is good for every purpose.

For hair bows, you'll mostly want to use grosgrain, (although a mixture of textures can make your stacked or layered bows extra special). I started off buying my ribbon at Hobby Lobby because it was the most affordable, but eventually discovered that just like everything else, you get what you pay for. Now, I buy my ribbon in a variety of places.

So how can you tell cheap ribbon from quality ribbon? Do this experiment: go to Michaels or Hobby Lobby and buy a spool of grosgrain ribbon. Then go to Joann's or someplace where they sell a brand like Offray and buy a spool of their grosgrain (I've found Offray ribbon in the craft section at Meijer and Walmart, too). The cheaper ribbon is often shinier, thinner, and almost has a "slick" feel to it. By contrast, the Offray brand will feel thicker and more substantial. Make a few bows with each and you can tell the difference. The more expensive brand will hold its shape much better and is generally more attractive. (Not to say you can't make a cute bow with cheap ribbon- but it's kind of like the difference between using margarine and real butter.)

If I just need a spool of something I usually run to Joann Fabrics. But if I am going to be getting more than a few rolls, need more than 5 yards, need something in a variety of widths, or want more variety, I order online from a store called RABOM (Ribbons and Bows Oh My). Their ribbon is great quality, and more affordable, especially if you get it on sale. I am a part of their "club" which costs $20 annually and that entitles me to other sales and discounts.

Other places I've seen online are The Ribbon Retreat and The Ribbon Carnival. I've never ordered from either of these places, but I sure like browsing, and I just noticed the Ribbon Carnival has collegiate ribbon (super hard to find).

So those are my thoughts on ribbon. I still have some cheap ribbon leftover from when I first started making bows; every now and then I think, it can't be that bad, so I try using it for something, and I am once again reminded why I normally don't.

What Makes Me Happy

My mom recently told me that pretty napkins make her happy. I know what she means, although I don't share this particular affinity. There's something about something pretty -- even if it's just a one-time-use paper napkin -- that brightens your day a little bit (in fact, maybe the fact that it's a one-time-use item makes it even more special).  So I've been thinking lately, what are my pretty napkins? What are the pretty things that make me smile or give me a little sliver of satisfaction? Here's my list, what's yours?

• the ribbon aisle at a craft store
• window boxes with red geraniums
• my pink coffee mug
• striped awnings
• a soft blanket
• chevron pattern (on clothes, on walls, on greeting cards, pretty much anywhere)
• the color yellow

A 2-for-1!

PookieTown Designs

So I make hair bows, among other things, and sell them in my Etsy store called PookieTown Designs. I got into making hair bows & flower headbands (predictably) after my baby girl was born 2 years ago. I saw ones I liked in the stores and thought they were kind of expensive, so I thought, "I wonder if I can make this any cheaper." It turns out I was right...and wrong. Yes, I can make them cheaper, but I discovered a passion for a new hobby that has definitely outgrown any normal person's hair accessory budget.

So now I have a small (6'x6') booth at a craft mall in Nappanee and I have done one craft show with my mom, and will soon do two more this November. She is the real crafty one, I'm just kind of a wannabe (but give me some ribbon and a glue gun and I'm a rock star).We used to have a scrapbook shop in our backyard and my parents recently did a two-story addition to their house adding a craft room that makes Hobby Lobby look like a hole in the wall. I'll have to get a picture of it up here sometime, it's totally drool-worthy.

It's difficult with 3 kids to devote any real time to this little business, and I often feel like I could do so much more if I was just a little less encumbered with keeping children alive, fed, and diapered. I've discovered it's really difficult to make any money selling hair bows- partly because EVERYONE is making hair bows and trying to sell them. Seriously.

Right now I'm about as busy as I want to be with this sideline, although I'd LOVE to be able sell more of my inventory so I can start making NEW stuff. I hope this blog can be a place where I highlight some of my favorite creations and share some of my tricks with other moms who want to learn how to do this stuff themselves (probably not the best business model, but hey, no one gets into making hair bows for the money).

Anyway, I also make a variety of other little accessories such as bottle cap zipper pulls & necklaces, felt hair clips, infant headbands, clippies, and fairy wands. Basically, you name it, and I make it. My mom contributes little baby onesies, although she is transitioning into tutu making (not available on Etsy yet). SO MUCH FUN!

Everything I learned, I learned online from tutorials, youtube videos, blogs, what have you. So, in a sense, I feel like now it's my turn to pass on the knowledge as well. For today I'll share the forum where pretty much all serious hair bow makers go for tutorials (many of them free!) ideas, and encouragement. hipgirlclips.com is a great place for ANYONE who wants to make bows for their little girls or for people already making bows to get ideas on running their business.

The Booth

The Photo Shoot from Hell

A few weeks ago, a talented friend and neighbor of mine took our family pictures. I was looking forward to this because, I determined, this was the year we were going to get GOOD pictures taken. For years I have looked like crap in our family photos. Why? 1) I am not photogenic to begin with and 2) I'm always responsible for making sure the whole production goes off so all my time is spent on making everyone else look great, but me? not so much. Last time, we had our pictures done at a mall a distance from our house and so I took all of our clothes to put on in the studio so they wouldn't get dirty. And I thought, I'll take my makeup bag and put some on right before we have them done so I'll look nice and fresh. Clever, right? Guess what? Forgot my makeup bag. I looked frazzled and sweaty (because I was).

Also in my last family picture the neckline of my shirt dipped weirdly, revealing quite a bit of my bra strap. Thankfully, it was taupe and the lady who helped us actually photoshopped it a little but, if you look closely, you can see part of my chest looks strangely blurred, rather like a scar from open-heart surgery. 

This time I wanted to have one of those family pictures like you see on Pinterest, where everyone is coordinated (but not matchy-matchy) and posed (but looking candid). So I shopped (and shopped, and shopped) spending more time and money on this than I have yet to admit to my husband.

The day arrived, the weather was great. The location, my mother-in-law's B&B in scenic Amish Country. Kids are always a wildcard and I was counting on my 2-year-old to run all over the place, and my middle child HATES to have his picture taken, but at least my eldest (age 7) could be counted on to cooperate. Right? Wrong!!! Brady, the 7-year-old, was truculent and basically a dark cloud of defiance the whole time. And there I was getting madder and madder. Mad that Brady wouldn't just cooperate, mad that Audrey was running all over the place, mad that there were choke cherries ALL OVER the ground staining our clothes, mad that Audrey's tutu was getting mangled from having to wrestle with her, mad that I had spent all this time and money and we were getting basically NOTHING out of this ordeal.

The good news? We got a few decent ones, and I look good (if a little chubby) in most of the pictures. At least there's no bra strap showing. The bad news? I'm not sure I'll ever fully recover (or the photographer, for that matter). I'm afraid what I will remember most about these pictures is my barely contained rage at my children, myself...the world. Not exactly what I want to memorialize on film and remember every time I walk into our living room. Family pictures are supposed to capture us at our best, am I right? 

Later that night, I overheard a slightly remorseful Brady telling my husband as he was tucking him in, "Sorry I made it so hard today." Well, I'm sorry too, Brady. Sorry for having such high, unrealistic expectations for this stupid event. Sorry for wanting to project an image of our family that's perfect and polished and put-together. Because that ain't the truth, and if my image is what's more important to me than how I treat my family, then I got bigger problems than you not wanting to unbutton the top button of your shirt. Sorry, kid. I'll do better next time.

Can't you just feel the love?

This is Brady's Kayla  Maroney "We are not impressed" face.

We've got a runner. 

Here I go again

After finishing a year of writing about lingerie in my previous blog, The Bra & Panties Challenge, I've decided, "Hey, I kind of like this blogging business."(btw, I've never actually considered myself a real blogger. I never made any money, I didn't care how many followers I had, and until recently never hopped on the social media band wagon).  But instead of blogging forevermore about underwear, I thought this time around I'd try blogging about LIFE.

So I've been doing a lot of "blog-stalking," as they say in the blogging biz, and I've been trying to figure out my point-of-view. The best blogs are usually organized around one topic, like organizing, for instance, or how to "go green" or politics or dieting, or making cool cupcakes, you get the idea. A lot of people like me who have a little crafty side business (PookieTown Designs on Etsy, ya'll!) use their blog to promote their business. But this is where it gets tricky for me, I (being the creative, multifaceted person that I am) have always had a hard time pinning myself down.

So here is my list of things I could blog about

• being a stay-at-home-mom 
• how much longer I'm going to remain a stay-at-home-mom
• parenting
• making hair bows
• being a Christian woman
• figuring out what kind of J-O-B I'll get when I eventually go back to work
• fashion, hair, beauty
• books, TV, movies 
• cleaning/organizing (how I don't like to)
• exercising (how I don't like to)
• redecorating my house (how I want to)

Instead of being boring and narrowing this list down, I think I might just try writing about whatever strikes my fancy on any given day. I'm generally entertaining and occasionally hilarious, so I do hope you'll join me.