Anyway, earlier in the year I had read a great book called NurtureShock which talked about a number of different parenting issues and what the latest research had to say about them. One of the chapters covered issues of race, and why white parents do not like to talk about this issue with their children. Basically, they assume that kids are "colorblind" and do not want to point skin color out to their kids. What the researchers found was that babies as young as 6 months "discriminate"and prefer people of their own skin color. Older kids would rate people with a different skin color from theirs as "not as nice." And worse, many of them would respond "No," or "I'm not sure" to the question "Do your parents like black people?" Basically, kids are born to and learn by categorizing, and race (like gender) is one of the most visible ways to categorize people. By NOT talking about this difference we are not giving our kids any guidance with which to assimilate this visual information.
So this was on my mind when Brady (then age 6) picked one of the Wise Men in our nativity set (who was clearly black) and said he was "mad." I questioned him, thinking maybe I didn't hear him clearly. Again he responded that the 3 (black) Wise Men were the "mad guys." I began to rack my brain trying to think of when/who/where these negative stereotypes could have planted themselves in my sweet little boy's head. Cue me going into a semi-panic, and consulting with my friend, Alyssa, who was in the middle of her doctoral program for Counseling Psychology. We went out for lunch and when I brought it up I could tell she thought it was fascinating, but also a little concerning. I vowed to have another discussion with Brady about this issue when I got home.
I'll be honest. We live in a predominantly white, rural-ish area. We have many Hispanic families in our town and Brady had several Hispanic kids in his kindergarten class, but only one African-American child. And our neighborhood is white, and our church was mainly white. Almost all of our friends are white. And Brady was only 6, we were still focusing our efforts on getting him to flush the toilet. We just hadn't gotten around to any race discussions yet. And I wasn't sure what I was going to say when it was time to have that discussion anyway.
The next time I broached the subject I was even more concerned when Brady continued to insist that the Wise Men were the "Mad Guys." I was flummoxed. And then later it dawned on me (and it's probably already dawned on you, but I'm a little slow, apparently) that he was talking about "The Magi." Mad Guys? Magi? Which do you think makes more sense to a six-year-old's ears?
So I had a good laugh at myself and the situation. But I'm still conscious about the need to TALK to my kids about race issues. And it IS hard. It's almost paralyzing. What to say, what not to say. I think we're so afraid of saying the wrong thing we don't say anything. But I guess at the end of the day, I don't want my kids to think that I don't (and that they shouldn't) like black people. And I don't want to pretend obliviousness to this issue that affects our country so deeply. Honestly, I think I'd rather give the "birds and bees" talk. And, in fact, the approach we've taken to talking about sexuality is probably the approach we should take when talking about race, which is "early and often."
So what's the answer? Move to Iceland? Or to another more diverse community? (Actually, the same study showed that the more racially diverse a high school, the more students segregated themselves by race). What are well-meaning parents supposed to do? And you should hear the questions/comments that came out of my five-year-old's mouth the other day when we were talking about this issue, by looking at pictures of people on Pinterest. TOTAL CRINGE! But at least he said them at home. We talked about the cartoon Little Bill, different characters on Sesame Street, and so on. While I'm still not sure he understands that not ALL people with dark hair are African-American, we've at least begun the conversation. God help us.
What about you? What do you say to your kids about race?
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ReplyDeleteWe have a very good friend who has a much darker skin color than us (which is close to paste) and his family is from Puerto Rico. Gabe called him his 'special friend' for about 2 years and we assumed it was because Eric loved playing with Gabe and made a huge effort to talk to him at church and when we spent time with them. We found out later that it was because he had dark skin! It was a nice conversation and luckily it happened with someone that we know well! We just told the kids that we all have different skin color and there's no 'right' skin color. We shouldn't like or not like someone because of their skin color. This has also been a good conversation to have with Adri who has some children with disabilities in her classroom this year. I told her the same thing. We shouldn't like or not like them because they can't do exactly the same things we can. I thought it was over. Now Adri calls Natalee (Eric's daughter) her Dora friend! I want to think it's because they both love Dora. It could be because Natalee has dark skin, too!
ReplyDeleteIt's so interesting the conclusions kids will come to when left to their own powers of observation and reasoning. I'm so glad for cartoons like Dora and Little Bill because they give me a basis for which to have a conversation about race at a child's level.
DeleteWhat an awesome post. Now that I'm a mom too, the topic intrigues me even more. I'll admit that I've been watchful how my 7-month-old daughter reacts when we interact with people with different skin tones given that our family has especially pale skin. What I've noticed thus far is that 1) she seems warier of people who haven't given her a chance to observe them before trying to touch her regardless, and 2) she seems less comfortable around people who put me on edge--regardless of that person's skin color. I can't help but wonder if the 6-month-olds in the study had already learned that people of different races put their parents "on edge." Infants are so perceptive, especially regarding their primary caregivers' emotions. I also wonder if the study included any babies from mixed-race families or babies who have been adopted by parents who are racially different from them. Is it that babies prefer people who look more like themselves, or people who look more like their parents?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how I'll handle individual situations or interactions, but I plan to follow your lead by avoiding sweeping the topic under the rug and being honest.
As far as the study goes, I'm not sure about those questions, although I've thought about that too. To me, I'd think that a 6 month old would probably identify more with a parent's skin color than their own.
DeleteIt was such an interesting book, you'd probably find it very interesting. The chapter about "Lying" is one you might need to brace yourself for...