My First Wrinkle: A Guide for 30-Somethings and Beyond

Remember the days when you could put on sweatpants, an old t-shirt, throw your hair in a messy bun and still look fresh-faced and cute? Alas, for me, those days are long gone. What works for your teen years and throughout your 20's stops working in your 30's. When does it happen? Is there a day when you wake up and the aforementioned sweats and messy bun make you look like you might possibly be homeless rather than a perky co-ed? I don't think we'll ever know the answer to that question. But I have a new problem. I knew the day was coming but I didn't think it would be here so soon: my first wrinkle.

Ok, technically, it's 2 wrinkles. Right between my eyebrows. Here's the thing I wasn't expecting -- they aren't symmetrical. The one by my right eyebrow is a perfectly normal wrinkle, like ")" however my left eyebrow wrinkle is shaped more like ">" only not nearly so nice. So one wrinkle is a parentheses and the other is a greater-than sign. I can totally live with the parentheses (OK, I just checked and the singular of parentheses is parenthesis, who knew?). I guess I just expected them to look the same, and I am not at all pleased with the effect.

I grew up watching those Revlon commercials about not lying your age, but "defying" it. At least that was Melanie Griffith's advice (who is probably not the best role model, but hey! she did end up with Don Johnson AND Antonio Banderas, right?).  So what's a 30-Something to do? I think part of the process involves Elizabeth Kubler Ross's 5 Stages of Grief and Loss. For me this went something like

1. Denial: That's not a wrinkle! It's just dirt! (I had been out weeding when I came inside and noticed it in the bathroom mirror for the first time). Upon scrubbing I proceeded to stage #2.
2. Anger: "I'm only 34! Why me? Why aren't they at least symmetrical? What did I do to deserve this?"
3. Bargaining: Maybe I can buy some really expensive wrinkle cream. Or Botox! The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills treat Botox injections like I treat getting my roots touched up.
4. Depression: This sucks. My life is going by too fast. In my head I'm perennially 23. Reality Bites. Which is a movie most 23 year-olds today have probably never heard of. 
5. Acceptance: You know, it could be worse. I could be like one of those Afghan women who had acid thrown on their faces. They'd probably be thrilled to have my asymmetrical wrinkles. This is the definition of a Third World Problem. The rest of me is still doing OK. A minimum of cellulite (thanks Mom!), relatively normal hip-to-waist ratio (considering I've had 3 kids), and my wardrobe is sparse but somewhat on-trend. 

And here we are. For those of us who have succumbed to the inevitable but still care about their appearance enough to make an effort, I've happened upon an insight that might just change your life. Drum roll please...ACCESSORIES! If, like me, you've never worn a lot of accessories because a) you'd rather allocate your resources to hair, makeup, and wardrobe purchases or b) you find a lot of "extra" stuff cumbersome than this is especially important to listen to. Accessories for the 30-Something is literally the fountain of youth. Accessories (think jewelry, scarves, purses, and head/hair do-dads) have gained serious real estate in my closet. 

It's all about the art of distraction. You might look at your face and see your double chin, but throw on a scarf and, while others might still take subconscious notice of your double chin, their attention will be drawn to your scarf and the totally Pinteresting way you've got it looped. And then it's all "Hey! What a cool scarf? Where did you get it? How did you tie it like that?"

For wrinkles I recommend jewelry. And purses. The more stuff you have going on the better. In fact, my hopes and dreams for Lasik surgery may be put on the back burner. Why? Two words: Hipster Glasses. In fact, I think the Hipsters are onto something with all their tattoos, fedoras, pocket chains, Chucks, and asymmetric shag haircuts. Lots of distraction going on with this group. I guess I'd rather be an aging hipster than just...aging. 

For aging in general I recommend great shoes. And for someone with feet issues this is easier said than done. This is a good place to spend a little extra money. This is all very scientific, of course, but it's common knowledge that if you can rock a pair of trendy shoes you take a visual 7 years off your age. 

When you are truly old you need to go all out. You still need accessories, but add perfume (a good strategy is once you hit 60 to start wearing about 5% more perfume every year until you hit 70, and then level off). You might be old, but thankfully, you don't have to smell like it. And probably most importantly: tech gadgets. The older you get the more you need cooler gadgets. Cameras, phones, tablets, you name it. Your gadgets will keep you young. And perhaps a Twitter account. However, by the time you hit this age you're doing pretty good if you still care whatsoever about how you look. Mostly you're probably just glad you don't have cancer. And who can blame you? 

The point is, my fellow 30-Somethings, the bloom is off the rose. I'm feminist enough to think that I should probably embrace my aging face but I'm girly enough to be all "Heck-To-The-No!" And in case you were wondering, I am not at all opposed to Botox for my wrinkles. I'm just waiting for it to be available at my local pharmacy.